The Dutch Conspiracy

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


WASHINGTON, D.C. Sept. 12 (AP) -The Department of Agriculture has announced a $15,000,000 program of research, removal of infected trees, and spraying in an effort to halt the spread of Dutch elm disease.
The Assistant Secretary of Agriculture warned that unless measures are taken immediately to control the blight, the common American elm will become "effectively extinct." Over 2,000,000 of the state's shade trees have been killed by the mysterious fungus since it first appeared in 1958.

THE HAGUE. NETH., Jan. 4 (Reuters) - Prince Bernhard and Queen Juliana celebrated their wedding anniversary here today. They were married in 1958.


UNITED NATIONS, N.Y. (AP) - A report issued by the U.N. Information Office shows that Dutch has moved from 14th to 13th on the list of the world's most commonly spoken languages. The shift puts it just ahead of Malay and behind Tamil, a Hindu dialect. U.N. officials attributed the change to a previous error rather than to any significant growth in the number of people speaking the oddly lilting European tongue.
The only "error" is on the part of our leaders, who are so blinded by promises of chocolate covered diamonds and other Hollander gewgaws that they can't -- or won't -- see the handwriting on the dike!

CORNWALL, ILL., May 4 (AP) - A huge dead elm tree fell on a house trailer during a thunderstorm here.
A family of four sleeping in the trailer escaped injuries.

BOSTON, Jan. 20 (AP) - A survey by the Audubon Society reveals that 12,978 square miles of wetlands, marshes, swamps, and other bird-nesting grounds, an area equal in size to Holland, have been covered by landfill since 1950.


We've just heard from Corpus Christi dikebuster Ron Clafey. Ron is working on a courageous book that he says will rip away the pat delft glaze from the report prepared by World Court puppet Earl Warren on the Kennedy assassination. He's come up with a lot of unanswered questions that should disturb a lot of people, like:

Why was the grassy knoll covered with tulips?
What was Mijnheer Van Der ZaPruder doing along the motorcade route?
What was the source of the pungent odor of rotting Edam in the Texas School Book Depository?
Was Oswald's first name Lee or Leeuwenhoek?
Who was the lady in the traditional Dutch Polka-dot dress?
And why was the Bandit Prince Bernhard cowering in Soestdijk Palace when EVERY OTHER MAJOR HEAD OF STATE was attending the Kennedy funeral?
Keep up the good work, Ron. A grateful nation will one day go down on its knees to thank you for sparing it from the pitiless scourge of cheese-maddened Nederlanders.

Yet another example of the sickening perfidy of the Dutch interloper has been sent to us by Mrs. Edith Flemson, a faithful tulipstomper in Flagstaff, Arizona:
"I've seen these here mijnheers traipsing down Main Street pumping the Indians full of Amstel Light and egging them on to do acts of barbarity and worse, and I'm not fooled one bit by their hoity-toity linen caps and cute baggy trousers. They may dress up like our beloved circus clowns to deceive us, but all decent, wide-awake folks who take pride in our country's many lakes and other bodies of water and don't cotton to weirdo drainage schemes fresh off the drawing board of Bernhard and his dike-happy crew. I can see right through their fake Vandyke beards to the Face of the Enemy that lurks beneath. But we'd better act fast! Because in this state alone there are seven dams, or Van Dikes, as I call them, because if you ask me, the're just dikes in disguise, and one day we're going to wake up looking down the business end of a blunderbuss and our precious American waterways will be just so much grist for the Dutchman's evil mills!"
The first step in the nefarious Nederlander scheme to turn our precious continental shelf into prime tulip-lands, huge landfill islands with nuclear windmills disguised as reactor coolers. We're supposed to benefit by getting electricity?!? Tell that to the Frisians!


FORT WAYNE, INDIANA, Aug. 1 (UPI) --- According to statistics released here by the National Flower Grower's Association Convention, tulips are the nation's number-one Easter gift flower, with sales of over 16,000,000 individual blooms last year alone. Lilies, which used to be the favored holiday flower, are now in second place in the potted-plant category. The popularity of the distinctive Dutch import, long a familiar part of the Easter scene, has been growing steadily for years, in spite of the fact that it has practically no scent.
No scent? No, just the odor of conspiracy and the foul smell of deceit!


A big vote of thanks is due to the staunch zee-protectors who braved the rain to picket the notorious Concertgebouw Orchestra during its appearance at the Bushnell Auditorium in Hartford, Connecticut. In spite of the inclement weather -- and it's no accident we've been getting so much bad weather, either, since the natural process of evaporation has been thrown out of kilter by the Bandit Prince's relentless drainage projects carried out behind wraps on supersecret "wildlife preserves" -- more than half a dozen loyal Americans were on hand to alert the audience to the insidious manhood-robbing melodies scheduled by Mijnheer Joachim Ruyter and his "musicians." As usual, the police had been bought off with boxes of Dutch Slavemasters cigars from Mijnheer Fidel Van Der Castro's plantations, and they prevented the hardy band of cheese-grillers from greeting the Maestro of Maastricht backstage with a good old-fashioned American "review" of his performance.
Still and all, a good day's work, and a potent reminder to some people who shine their shoes with shellac that this country isn't about to be sweet-talked into swallowing the Soestdijk Palace line with a few phony low-country lullabies!


sab-o-tage \'sab-e-tazh\ noun (fr. saboter - to trample on with sabots, the wooden shoes worn in European countries, chiefly Holland)
1: destruction of property or hindering the manufacture by discontented workmen
2: destructive or obstructive action carried on by a civilian or enemy agent designed to hinder a nation's war effort
3: an act or process tending to hamper or hurt.
Webster's American Dictionary
Thanks, Mr. Webster -- that's all we needed to know!


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