The Dutch Conspiracy

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

A Call To Action!

We're happy to welcome all you new tile-smashers to the fight against Dutch subterfuge. Our movement is growing by leaps and bounds every day, and although we cannot disclose the exact number of our members to prevent infiltration from certain persons who feel more at home in footwear made out of trees, we can say that it is very large indeed and getting larger!
Politicians be warned! You will ignore this aroused brotherhood of true Americans at your peril! And if you don't believe us, take a wishy-washy position on Government-supported elm-seeding programs and stiff tariffs to protect our razor-makers, breweries, dairies, diamond mines, and chocolate manufacturers next Election Day and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

I regret that I must begin this month's update with an important piece of unfinished -- and unpleasant -- business. I am referring, of course, to Mijnheer Duane Van Der Vincent and his band of Soestdijk Palace hirelings who lick the hollandaise from the wooden jackboots of the Demon Prince Of Tulips while pretending to be fighting the Bane of the Benelux!

We true Americans here had him and his cheese-loving crew spotted from the moment they tried to infiltrate the organization three years ago, and we were just playing along with them, waiting for them to try their power grab. Now that they've shown their chocolate smeared hands by forming their transparent front group at the bidding of the Big Burgher in an effort to confuse and divide American opposition to the Low Country's hijinks, we can expose them for the delft double-crossers they are!
Do not be fooled by their claims of militancy against the Nederlander menace! They are not true opponents of the nemesis of the North Sea!

They are in the pay of the Bandit Prince! They loll in their plush offices, eating grilled-cheese sandwiches, swilling creme de cacao, and reading Dutch pornography! We must unite to oppose these vicious upstarts! Ignore their crude propaganda and laughable attacks on real foes of the tyrants of Rotterdam!
They are beneath contempt!
They stink of Edam and Gouda!
The lewd litanies of the Dutch Reformed Church are ever on their lips!
Shun these sinister impostors!
Repudiate their base lies!
The infected elm must be cut down to spare the healthy trees!

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