The Dutch Conspiracy

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Let's Get America Out Of Dutch!


Why did Mijnheer Martin Van Buren, propelled into the White House
by Dutch interests, oppose the annexation of Texas?
Because its oily soil was unsuitable for tulips and it was
situated too close to Surinam for comfort!
The Dutch don't like anyone peering over their shoulders
when they do their dirty work!
Mijnheer Van Buren, dubbed "The Red Fox of Kinderhoek"
by vigilant Americans, was chucked out of office and sent
packing by alert voters, who saw through his insidious scheme!

Avoid Dutch Products


The label of Old Dutch Cleanser displays the following:
"Keep Out Of Reach Of Children; Avoid Contact With Eyes"
The Surgeon General obviously considers this product too hazardous to be used by America's youngsters, and,
apparently, the things it can do to your eyes are just too horrible to describe!

And yet in the name of "good sportsmanship" our sniveling,
vote-seeking politicians make no move to take Old Dutch Cleanser off the market.

We say, "To hell with Old Dutch Cleanser! To hell with the Amsterdamned Royal Family and and their treacherous American puppets! The spirit of Leopold I of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha will prevail!"


"A touch. A smile. A shared memory of a special time. That look that says more than a volume of poetry. The kiss that says you are a dream come true.
Diamonds are more than a promise. Diamonds are forever."
De Beers Consolidated Mines ad
Just another of the many open invitations to adultery and lustful behavior planted in our popular publications by the Bandit Prince and his greedy gem-lords to weaken our will, so that when we hear the sound of a chain saw cutting our doors in half in the middle of the night, we'll be too sated with sickening pleasures to resist

While we're at it, it's high time to blow the whistle on the whole sly scheme of the gnomes of Zeeland for world economic domination. With the help of the Stuyvesants, the VanDerBilts, the Roojkefellers, and other double-dealing Dutch cousins who are big cheeses in Nieuw York banking circles, these guilder-grubbers use promises of diamonds --- and shares in the vast profits from their perfidious trade in narcotics made from Flanders poppies and opium tulips --- to woo greedy Wall Street tycoons into backing their plan to out the financial world onto the discredited cheese standard.

At the same time, they labor long and hard to ruin confidence in gold by flooding the Free World with gold coins that on close inspection turn out to contain nothing but chocolate. And every time some money-hungry fat cat, his brain fuddled by their flourine-laced liqueurs, falls for one of their dirty Dutch deals, millions more pour into the coffers of the Bandit Prince and his robber-burghers. And where does it go from there? It goes to finance Royal Dutch Shell, which at this very minute, under the ridiculous pretense of drilling for oil in the North Sea, is actually pumping dry this vital ocean highway, sending billions of gallons of water into the already dangerously swollen English Channel.

The Dutch timetable for conquest is clear. It's the eleventh hour on the flower clocks of the Hague. Yet while good Americans loll in their bone-crushing van der Rohe chairs, unknowingly allowing their bodies to be poisoned by radioactive Dutch Boy paints and foolishly subjecting their delicate facial follicles to the same deadly Phillips razors used by Mijnheer van Gogh to cut off his ear when he flew into a fury after learning that his plan to foist off forgeries of his work as his own had been discovered, our politicians are being seduced by buxom milkmaids at wild cheese-tasting parties at the Dutch embassy and bought off by promises of huge estates in the New Holland they'll build once the Great Lakes are drained!


Some of the vile Gouda cheesecake with which the Dutch daily sap our moral vibrancy to make us pushovers.


A Bum Deal?!?
In the infamous Treaty of Breda, signed in 1667, England and the Netherlands swapped Surinam and New York even-up. Thus, the English acquired a filthy harbor city where waters were badly situated for drainage and in which the scoundrel Hollanders had already built the steaming ghetos of Harlem and Bedford-Stuyvesant.
In return for this, the Soestdijk tyrants received 63.037 square miles of territory full of mixed-blood Creoles (39%), East Indians (30%), Indonesians (16%), indigenous Indians (10%), and Chinese (2%) just waiting to be mercilessly enslaved and abused.
We say it was a bum deal! And we say to hell with it!


A poem sent in by a little girl in Buffalo, New York warmed our hearts this week. Thanks, Nikki!
Roses are red,
Tulips are bad,
I hope Prince Bernhard
Chokes on a shad.
(Shad are a kind of fish they have in Holland which I read about in geography class and we couldn't find the Frisian islands on the map, either!)



WASHINGTON, D.C. Sept. 12 (AP) -The Department of Agriculture has announced a $15,000,000 program of research, removal of infected trees, and spraying in an effort to halt the spread of Dutch elm disease.
The Assistant Secretary of Agriculture warned that unless measures are taken immediately to control the blight, the common American elm will become "effectively extinct." Over 2,000,000 of the state's shade trees have been killed by the mysterious fungus since it first appeared in 1958.

THE HAGUE. NETH., Jan. 4 (Reuters) - Prince Bernhard and Queen Juliana celebrated their wedding anniversary here today. They were married in 1958.


UNITED NATIONS, N.Y. (AP) - A report issued by the U.N. Information Office shows that Dutch has moved from 14th to 13th on the list of the world's most commonly spoken languages. The shift puts it just ahead of Malay and behind Tamil, a Hindu dialect. U.N. officials attributed the change to a previous error rather than to any significant growth in the number of people speaking the oddly lilting European tongue.
The only "error" is on the part of our leaders, who are so blinded by promises of chocolate covered diamonds and other Hollander gewgaws that they can't -- or won't -- see the handwriting on the dike!

CORNWALL, ILL., May 4 (AP) - A huge dead elm tree fell on a house trailer during a thunderstorm here.
A family of four sleeping in the trailer escaped injuries.

BOSTON, Jan. 20 (AP) - A survey by the Audubon Society reveals that 12,978 square miles of wetlands, marshes, swamps, and other bird-nesting grounds, an area equal in size to Holland, have been covered by landfill since 1950.


We've just heard from Corpus Christi dikebuster Ron Clafey. Ron is working on a courageous book that he says will rip away the pat delft glaze from the report prepared by World Court puppet Earl Warren on the Kennedy assassination. He's come up with a lot of unanswered questions that should disturb a lot of people, like:

Why was the grassy knoll covered with tulips?
What was Mijnheer Van Der ZaPruder doing along the motorcade route?
What was the source of the pungent odor of rotting Edam in the Texas School Book Depository?
Was Oswald's first name Lee or Leeuwenhoek?
Who was the lady in the traditional Dutch Polka-dot dress?
And why was the Bandit Prince Bernhard cowering in Soestdijk Palace when EVERY OTHER MAJOR HEAD OF STATE was attending the Kennedy funeral?
Keep up the good work, Ron. A grateful nation will one day go down on its knees to thank you for sparing it from the pitiless scourge of cheese-maddened Nederlanders.

Yet another example of the sickening perfidy of the Dutch interloper has been sent to us by Mrs. Edith Flemson, a faithful tulipstomper in Flagstaff, Arizona:
"I've seen these here mijnheers traipsing down Main Street pumping the Indians full of Amstel Light and egging them on to do acts of barbarity and worse, and I'm not fooled one bit by their hoity-toity linen caps and cute baggy trousers. They may dress up like our beloved circus clowns to deceive us, but all decent, wide-awake folks who take pride in our country's many lakes and other bodies of water and don't cotton to weirdo drainage schemes fresh off the drawing board of Bernhard and his dike-happy crew. I can see right through their fake Vandyke beards to the Face of the Enemy that lurks beneath. But we'd better act fast! Because in this state alone there are seven dams, or Van Dikes, as I call them, because if you ask me, the're just dikes in disguise, and one day we're going to wake up looking down the business end of a blunderbuss and our precious American waterways will be just so much grist for the Dutchman's evil mills!"
The first step in the nefarious Nederlander scheme to turn our precious continental shelf into prime tulip-lands, huge landfill islands with nuclear windmills disguised as reactor coolers. We're supposed to benefit by getting electricity?!? Tell that to the Frisians!


FORT WAYNE, INDIANA, Aug. 1 (UPI) --- According to statistics released here by the National Flower Grower's Association Convention, tulips are the nation's number-one Easter gift flower, with sales of over 16,000,000 individual blooms last year alone. Lilies, which used to be the favored holiday flower, are now in second place in the potted-plant category. The popularity of the distinctive Dutch import, long a familiar part of the Easter scene, has been growing steadily for years, in spite of the fact that it has practically no scent.
No scent? No, just the odor of conspiracy and the foul smell of deceit!


A big vote of thanks is due to the staunch zee-protectors who braved the rain to picket the notorious Concertgebouw Orchestra during its appearance at the Bushnell Auditorium in Hartford, Connecticut. In spite of the inclement weather -- and it's no accident we've been getting so much bad weather, either, since the natural process of evaporation has been thrown out of kilter by the Bandit Prince's relentless drainage projects carried out behind wraps on supersecret "wildlife preserves" -- more than half a dozen loyal Americans were on hand to alert the audience to the insidious manhood-robbing melodies scheduled by Mijnheer Joachim Ruyter and his "musicians." As usual, the police had been bought off with boxes of Dutch Slavemasters cigars from Mijnheer Fidel Van Der Castro's plantations, and they prevented the hardy band of cheese-grillers from greeting the Maestro of Maastricht backstage with a good old-fashioned American "review" of his performance.
Still and all, a good day's work, and a potent reminder to some people who shine their shoes with shellac that this country isn't about to be sweet-talked into swallowing the Soestdijk Palace line with a few phony low-country lullabies!


sab-o-tage \'sab-e-tazh\ noun (fr. saboter - to trample on with sabots, the wooden shoes worn in European countries, chiefly Holland)
1: destruction of property or hindering the manufacture by discontented workmen
2: destructive or obstructive action carried on by a civilian or enemy agent designed to hinder a nation's war effort
3: an act or process tending to hamper or hurt.
Webster's American Dictionary
Thanks, Mr. Webster -- that's all we needed to know!

A Call To Action!

We're happy to welcome all you new tile-smashers to the fight against Dutch subterfuge. Our movement is growing by leaps and bounds every day, and although we cannot disclose the exact number of our members to prevent infiltration from certain persons who feel more at home in footwear made out of trees, we can say that it is very large indeed and getting larger!
Politicians be warned! You will ignore this aroused brotherhood of true Americans at your peril! And if you don't believe us, take a wishy-washy position on Government-supported elm-seeding programs and stiff tariffs to protect our razor-makers, breweries, dairies, diamond mines, and chocolate manufacturers next Election Day and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

I regret that I must begin this month's update with an important piece of unfinished -- and unpleasant -- business. I am referring, of course, to Mijnheer Duane Van Der Vincent and his band of Soestdijk Palace hirelings who lick the hollandaise from the wooden jackboots of the Demon Prince Of Tulips while pretending to be fighting the Bane of the Benelux!

We true Americans here had him and his cheese-loving crew spotted from the moment they tried to infiltrate the organization three years ago, and we were just playing along with them, waiting for them to try their power grab. Now that they've shown their chocolate smeared hands by forming their transparent front group at the bidding of the Big Burgher in an effort to confuse and divide American opposition to the Low Country's hijinks, we can expose them for the delft double-crossers they are!
Do not be fooled by their claims of militancy against the Nederlander menace! They are not true opponents of the nemesis of the North Sea!

They are in the pay of the Bandit Prince! They loll in their plush offices, eating grilled-cheese sandwiches, swilling creme de cacao, and reading Dutch pornography! We must unite to oppose these vicious upstarts! Ignore their crude propaganda and laughable attacks on real foes of the tyrants of Rotterdam!
They are beneath contempt!
They stink of Edam and Gouda!
The lewd litanies of the Dutch Reformed Church are ever on their lips!
Shun these sinister impostors!
Repudiate their base lies!
The infected elm must be cut down to spare the healthy trees!